Thursday, January 20, 2011

But Who Am I?

It has come to my attention that even when someone directly asks me about myself, I still end up talking about my kids instead. It is true, they are a huge part of my identity. There are aspects of my personality and outlook on life that are different now than they were before becoming a mother to these three unique individuals. Despite this, I know that there are also things that are intrinsically me, and that haven't changed over time. I am going to challenge myself now to describe the person I am without mentioning my kids or my role as their mother. I know this will be difficult!

I was born in Illinois and I was a concerned and quiet child, preferring to be alone, but developing some wonderful friendships as well. I was cautious, not the least bit athletic, and I collected dolls. I read constantly. A trip to the library was my favorite outing.

I became slightly outgoing in high school to an extent, but more so in college. Leaving home to attend school out of state was one of the best things I ever did.

Colorado continues to have a special place in my heart, but I adore the desert of Arizona. I like the summer monsoon storms, the smell of creosote after it rains, the brown mountains and the impossibly blue skies.

Writing has always been a part of me. I wrote my first short stories at the age of three and later developed a liking for poetry and newspaper articles. I have also written about things that are true and painful to me. In every way, words provide me a healing that nothing else can.

Music is something else I can't live without. I am able to love a song for its melody, but it is the lyrics that really stand out. If I can relate to the words, I will listen over and over again. I find comfort in this the same way I do in writing.

I care deeply about my friends and family, and I fear I do not convey this to them enough. When I hurt someone I love, I torture myself over my mistake for weeks before I can let it go. I am not sure if this is a character flaw or an asset, this level of concern.

I am generally serious and like to plan things out but I can have unexpected spontaneous moments, too. The older I get, the better I am at being unafraid to say what is on my mind or do what feels right in the moment without over-thinking the consequences.

My happiness is not a constant emotion, but rather a feeling that builds from little positive experiences. More and more, I realize these fleeting, blissful minutes in time are the things I will actually remember years later, not the stress and agony.

There are a few experiences that can always calm me and make me feel small again. They include looking at the stars, being near the ocean, spending time with someone who has known me for decades, and walking barefoot on the grass.

I love jeans and flip flops, but sometimes dresses are fun. I feel naked without a necklace on. I like my hair long and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I seem to view myself as about ten years younger than I actually am. I think this is a healthy form of denial.

I believe most bad days can be fixed by hearing, "I love you," eating french fries, watching a good movie, getting my toes painted or buying new lip gloss.

I like to give generously. I have the tendency to donate to a good cause or buy a worthy teacher a nice gift before I put gas in my own car.

In the past, aside from writing, I have worked in childcare and medical records, as well as a few other "odds and ends." I am not very career-oriented, but I do set my goals high just the same. In the future I would like to do more with my interest and experiences in the special needs community, whether that be through more writing or another form of support.

Now I am feeling a little uncomfortable dwelling so much on myself. Want to hear about my kids?!

1 comment:

g-girl said...

i guess we all need to remind ourselves about the person we are on the inside. :)